Personal Fears: #5 Horror Films

Before I had a baby I had so many fears that would cause me to have anxiety attacks. And the thoughts that would enter my head would consume me and they never seemed to go away. I would wake up thinking about a fear. Throughout the day I would think of how that fear could affect me at that very moment. I would go to sleep hoping I wouldn't have a nightmare. And now that I have a child things have just gotten worse. I think about all the horrible things that could happen. I read in a blog that Mama's Losin' It wrote (which you have to check out her blog, it's like the best thing with coffee in the mornings) that when she goes to the zoo she thinks about "what if the animal got loose, how would she save her kids". Well I think about that very same thing. The thought of the fastest way to get Ayla our of the stroller to the nearest exit to a place to hide if I couldn't make it out to the best place to hit each animal if they were to attack me! Aside from the fears I have as a mom this is about the personal fears I have since I can't remember when.

First of all what is the deal with some of these commercials? Verizon has these creepy dark commercials that depict a neighbor moving into a haunted house while all the while it's really about the "can you hear me now" crap. And Dominos. Seriously do the characters at the end need to wear the clown masks? I don't like them. Not one bit. The images are always there. In my head. But I'll save #7 Clowns for another day.

#5 Horror Films

Growing up I had watched all the movies that were really scary at the time. Like Jason and Nightmare on Elm Street and April Fools Day. I can't really remember being scared. Probably because I watched them with my sister and all 3 of my cousins and of course my grandma. So I always felt protected. As I got older I wasn't really interested in horror films. Then in 1999 The Blair Witch Project came out and a lot of hype was created over this movie. At first the talk was that this movie was based on a true story. Which is what probably got my curiosity going. So of course I went and saw it. Thinking the whole time that it was for real. I had a really hard time watching it. It's almost like I placed myself in the film and could feel the adrenaline and anxiety of what they were experiencing. I have no idea why this happened but maybe because I thought it was all true. I kept covering my eyes and my ears. Not wanting to see a ghost (#1 on my list) or hear eery noises (#8). Not to mention that the movie itself made me sick. Apparently they filmed it with a handheld camera so the screen shook a lot. I remember when I walked out of the theater I was horrified. I had no desire to go camping and I sure as heck didn't want to be alone.

I was 21 and had moved back into my parents house. The idea was to save money and by a condo. This plan was immediately failed due to my many shopping trips to Nordstrom. Anyways when I got home I couldn't fall asleep. So I turned the tv on hoping that the noise would help. Then what do you know a preview for The Blair Witch came on and I had to shut it off! I got out of bed and grabbed Chi Chi, our shitzu, hoping that his company would calm me and that he would save me from any monsters! So with Chi Chi on my bed and all the lights on in my room you think I would feel safe. Yeah...No! All I could think about was that freakin movie and how nobody made it out and how true it all was. So this time I got out of bed and made my mom sleep with me. Or at least lay with me until I fell asleep. This went on for 2 weeks! No joke.

For 2 weeks this movie was on the forefront of my mind. I couldn't get the images or sounds out of my head and it caused so much anxiety I never felt before. It really traumatized me. For my 21st birthday my friend Shawn D. took me to a Mariners game. It was one of the first games in Safeco Field and we were both super excited. Our seats were in the 300 section and despite how high we were we were happy to be there. The game started at 7pm and the roof was open and just across the way from where we were the blinding lights were on showcasing the game. We were there for maybe 30 minutes before one of my eyes started to go out of focus. It was almost like I had water running through them. Then a second later I felt really sick. I thought if I ate something I would feel better. So I got a hot dog and took one bite and just about lost it. And the lights were making my head ache so bad that I couldn't think. I had to get out of there. I didn't want to tell Shawn I had to leave cause that would mean he would have to leave to since he was my ride home. So I pushed myself for another 30 minutes hoping that whatever was going on would eventually go away. But that didn't happen and I was forced to tell Shawn the bad news. I could see the disappointment on his face and really could you blame him? I felt horrible. Of course we had parked a million miles away and I could barely hold myself up. Luckily there was a BK close by and I had to sit and put my head down. Shawn went and got the car and I was on my way home. So there I am laying in bed with my head under the blankets and my hands rubbing my forehead trying to relieve the excruciating pain. I felt extremely nauseous so my mom put a bowl next to my bed. And good thing she did too. I had no idea what was happening to me. Next thing I knew was that my feet and hands went numb and there was ringing in my ears. Finally my parents called the paramedics. There they were doing their thing with the lights on shining in my face. They couldn't figure out was was wrong with me either. They thought I had some elderly women's sickness. So they got their backboard and strapped me down. Actually the strapped every part of my body down including my head! Loaded me in their rig and took me to what seemed like the furthest hospital just to torture me. I pleaded with them to at least let me lift my head otherwise I was going to puke. But they insisted that it was for my safety and that I stay put. As if I was some insane person, which at the time I probably seemed like one. Anyways they got what they asked for and I puked all over. I remember arriving at the hospital and the doctor yelling at the paramedics telling them how stupid they were for strapping me down and that they needed more training. I was in the hospital overnight and my diagnosis was an "abnormal migraine". I had no idea that a headache could do this. But this wasn't just a headache. It was a migraine and an abnormal one for that matter.

All because of that stupid movie.

Which I later found out was a bunch of rubbish.

Which didn't change my view that I still think it was all true.

So that was the beginning of a lifelong struggle with migraines and nightmares. I now stear clear of scary movies but that doesn't mean the previews don't affect me. But get this Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Go figure!